One of the most significant lessons that I have learned in my life journey is that closure is a misnomer. There are stages of human emotion but there is not one that encompasses a state of being that indicates “closure”. If we are truly living, the events we go through in our life will change us. Change of our perspective or understanding at least, and change or who we are or are not, at most. The world and this reality can seem to be a cruel thing. But, there is just as much good, hope, beauty, and love, if we choose to see it and focus on those good things.
If you are looking for unconditional love, get a dog. Dog, is God spelled backward. Short of being the father to a wonderful son, I haven’t had such an obvious unconditional shared love. Yes, dogs don’t live long enough, no doubt, but when they are alive and well there is nothing that can give you their love so completely. I don’t hate cats, but I’ve never had a cat that I thought, thought of me as anything other than a scratching post, groomer, the provider of food and water, and sometimes potential prey.
Closure at the end of a romantic relationship is something I’ve gotten on occasion, and sometimes, not so much. There are a couple of types of people in the single dating world, I have discovered. One is the “feather” type, and the other is the “sledgehammer” type. Let me explain. The feather type is easy to get rid of or to lose. A simple brush off is all it takes for them to withdraw from an interest in continuing any romantic pursuit. The sledgehammer type is the kind that just doesn’t get that there is not an equal level of interest by the other party, and they keep on insisting or requesting time and attention from the person they are interested in, all the while being solidly in the “friend zone”. Admittedly I have experienced and been both in my life. At this point in my life, I err on the side of the feather type for a couple of reasons. If there is not any reciprocity from the object of my affection, (or affliction, depending on how bad I’ve got “it” for someone) then I take that as a signal that there is a lack of interest, or that the timing is just not good for them (I tend to go with the later for my ego’s sake).
Truly, people are busy at this time of a single head of household, working long hours and tight budgets to ensure the little ones are taken care of. Plus, there are a lot of jerks out there that are not willing to be flexible enough to include children and/or careers in their idea of a relationship. Communication is key. If someone verbally expresses an interest in taking your relationship to the next level, talk to them like you would a four-year-old, so the message gets across with clarity and compassion if you are not available (timing) or if you have a particular issue with them that has not been addressed ie. “you drink too much”, “you seem more interested in going to the gym, bars, Star Wars conventions, etc. than you do making time for us”, “you are not attractive to me”, “you need to see a dentist because your breath could scare buzzards off of a meat wagon”, “I can’t stand the way you: breath, chew, pick your nose, have gas, laugh too loud, never laugh, ogle the opposite sex, cook, eat, snore, feet stink, never stop talking long enough for me to say anything, etc.” While some of those things can be overcome, it’s up to the person to recognize those things and put in the work to make the change. They may not even know there is a problem as self-awareness is apparently not for everyone.
So, I get that putting yourself out there after a bad experience is not easy, maybe not even a safe thing to do. But what if.
What if that guy or lady, that has been showing you interest is the person with whom you could grow old? What if that person has been sent to you by the Universe to cause you the type of discomfort required for personal growth while providing the comfort and security in who you are in order to support your growth? I am NOT talking about settling! In other words, what if that person is the person that will make you want to be a better person, not just for them, but for yourself? It seems that I see a lot of relationships where people chose someone that will “fit” into their current lives without making any difference in who they are, without any thought of who the two of them could be together, which is fine for some people, but not for me. I want to grow and become a better person until the day I die.
I was so lucky to have the example I had for parents. They were equally matched in compassion, passion, a sense of service, talent, and intelligence. They loved, admired and defended each other with all of the passion that two people can. I didn’t realize it at the time as I was growing up going through the typical and sometimes atypical things that happen in the life of a young person, just how fortunate I was to have two of the best supporters of my life and being, that anyone could dream of. (I thought I was in hell. As a lot of teenagers do.) Turns out, I had it pretty darn good.
I say that so I can say this: I understand that it’s a whole other level of scary when you are looking at bringing in a partner that can have such a profound effect on your children’s lives. I get that. I made that mistake and chose wrong once. But I have it on good authority, that marriage didn’t count because it only lasted six months. Take your time, ask for references (not kidding, exes are a great source for references), meet the family, because it is true that you marry the whole family whether you choose traditional marriage or just commit to being together for the rest of your lives.
Look for patterns in a person’s behavior. When they went out and had too much to drink, was that a one-off or is that an indicator of a deeper problem? Are they always in financial need? Do they ask for material things on a regular basis and not return the favor? It’s been my experience that substance abuse and money, or lack thereof are two of the main contributing factors causing the end of a relationship. Usually, if substance abuse is involved, infidelity is also an issue.
Be careful out there, it’s a jungle, but don’t lose hope. There is someone for everyone. I promise it will take work, not meaning working on them, but on yourself.
Peace!
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